I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.