Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee