7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m not wrong
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
waiting for halloween be like:
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT