why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
You Might Also Like
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”