[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you