If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?