I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’