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me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.