i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
put ‘er there pardner!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel