The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Perfect
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee