We’re all getting idioter.
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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I think this should do it.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?