[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse