Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies