What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2