If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?