My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.