Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?