[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Happy Halloween 🎃
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.