Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.