In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
These work great until they don’t.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.