a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked