Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Is this a threat?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.