[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me linking you to my twitter
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting