The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.