I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Worst bar ever.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.