me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
So the ex texted me
Steam Forums
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My Sentiments Exactly
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Stop sending me this shit.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?