I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.