Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.