You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Smooooooth
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
what it’s like dating me:
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.