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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
when you are just born a rebel
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
they finally got him. they got macavity
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”