I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
You Might Also Like
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
We have a winner.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me