Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
You Might Also Like
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Always a metermaid never a meter
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
We like the way Dwight thinks
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”