@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.