CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?