I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Spring of Deception
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater