Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
#SaturdayBears
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
No, I don’t think I will.