It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.