Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When I laugh on my period
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory