my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
This came to me in a dream.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess