Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Jesus Christ lmao
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.