“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX