Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Why am I like this?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early