My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos