Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You Might Also Like
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hot Hot Hot
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try