If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
The Sun
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*