Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
just left a huge legacy in there
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.