Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Breaking news:
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles