“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
meanwhile over on facebook
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.