Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
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