Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*